Oh god, is this a punishment for being such a lousy daughter?
i'm feeling fucking pathetic now
the only thing i can do is let my tears flow
i try to hide it, i really did
and when i'm alone in my room, the tears just flow out more and more
i can't tell mum how badly i tried to control
i didn't want to upset her by crying infront of her
i regret treating you as if you were no one
i can't believe i put you under everyone else
i always thought you loved them the most
but recently, i realised i was wrong
you love me as much as them, if not, more
i know you don't show it but i can feel it
you are the one who made me the mature girl i am now
i can think for myself, i can accept what i get
although academics doesn't come under this, but thats due to MY attitude
not your bringing up
i'm really sorry for not being there for you at times
you get really mad at me and i show my temper at you to fight back
although, i know that what i did was wrong, really wrong
i wanna say sorry;
for being the fuckiest daughter
but the words just seem to choke on the out
and i start seeing my body's salt water again
i can't bring myself to do so
no matter how much i wanted
daddy called to help bring your medicine over today afternoon
but i decided not to because i thought it was a waste
i came back late for your prayer meeting
and i didn't even join you for it
you know your feeling really unwell and yet you still spent so much time for it
sacrificing yesterday's evening when your lousy daughter didn't even pay attention to you
i didn't even bother helping you out
jesus, the more i think about it, the lousier i feel
now the only thing i can do is cry?
i don't care about exam results now, i fucking don't
i just want you to become your healthier self again
allowing you to walk again would be a miracle;
thats why i need to ask god to at least allow you to shop shivering
when i hugged you, i felt my whole body shake
and the bed was shaking as well

i know you feel so much pain now
be it physically or emotionally
and you told me, you wanted to go
just hearing that made me feel so fucking guilty
i can't bare to lose you, i really can't
and i feel like telling the whole world to appreciate you
you gave me life, you brought me up, you nagged at me,
you knew how to balance your topic with me
you spoke about mature things and yet you were childish at times
i grew up properly because of you
i didn't have the mindset that the whole world revolved around academics
but how i live my life positively
you were horny with me
but that meant you were so open to me about any topic
i feel like god should reward you
for truly being a great mum
you could have ended it all a few years back
and yet, you fought to keep yourself with us a little longer
i didn't even realise it for 9 fucking years
only now i understand what they meant by mum knows you best
because they make the effort to fight for you
not just against others but themselves too

i just pray now that it'll end soon, even if it means shedding a rain full of tears
i love mum ♥

xoxo {♥}