Church.
The last time I visited church would be last Sunday. It felt good being inside again and I felt guilty for deserting the church for so long. It's not like I deserted God because he is where ever with you, but just a little habit I've yet to get attached to. I remember always complaining about going to church when I was younger. It would always bore me and mum had to keep pinching me so I wouldn't fall into deep slumber. Now the guilt is coming back and I want to be forgiven. Actually, I want to be forgiven for so many wrong things I did. I dunno if it's easy to erase these blackened memories I have and detest but honestly, I don't mind reiterating these bad images in my head because it gives me a reason to become better. I want to be forgiven by Him. That's all really. Kneeling and asking for forgiveness or just confessing it all out in a confession box, it doesn't matter how but I need to voice out my sins. Mentally or verbally, that doesn't matter as well.
I just wonder why the world is unfair and cruel. I talked to my mum about it and she told me that it just is. Nothing is fair and all should be taken as blessings and gifts. This is the reason why I always try to be optimistic. My mum told me that we should never look up at those who have more because that'll only create envy and jealousy, but we should look down at those who have less and be grateful for our position in life was given by God. It doesn't matter how life is now because at the end of the day, we'll die and end up at the same place. We humans are bodies and souls given by God, none of us are the same. Our mistakes and flaws are different from one another so we have no reason to judge the size or quantity of these sins because we are here to forgive and forget.
I wanna bring up a chain-mail that Christine sent to me. I've received this chain-mail a few times but never really thought too deeply about it because I didn't really care about what happens outside. At that moment though, it touched me. A woman was burnt almost to death in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. Her life was destroyed completely but that didn't stop her from picking up the fragments of her life. Yes, it's not complete exactly to the way it was but the way she picked things up and assemble them is perfect into bringing her to the place she is at now. The man is regretful for having killed 2 people and caused a life of a girl to be turned upside down completely but she forgave him. She, a lady who lost so much, forgave this man, who almost killed her. You know why? Because now she's a role-model. To so many people out there who drink and drive, she can be seen as an example of the stupidity and ignorance of these people. How much more the world can learn from such happenings and how much more the world may improve from mistakes. Something so terrible and huge could cause miracles and understanding to happen. Life is so surreal. God never fails to amuse me.
Ah, okay, I'm rambling and getting a little off topic. Anyways, another thing about churches would be ghosts. I love looking at pictures of ghosts in churches, gives me a feeling of peace. I don't care whether it's fake or not, it just calms me down. Probably because it gives me a feeling of sanctuary when one is alone with God, bodied or not. I'll probably try going to churches alone next time. Not for masses but just my own praying time with God. I get a feeling of asylum when I know I'm sharing a shrine with him and myself. I'm sure everyone does. A church, makes me feel wanted.
Okay, I'm tired. As much as i would love to continue talking about God and how much I just want to motivate myself into praying more without shame, I really need to go. Periods are the worse ):
Nights! God bless (:
